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[tigerpoet]

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atsushi nakajima ⬤ bungou to alchemist
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[sweetsleuth]

When you say it, I believe you.

[Atsushi was almost her polar opposite in a sense. He complimented him, cherished him, made him feel loved and appreciated... even this, right now. He knows he'd never be able to have a conversation like this with Inaba.]

I know she thought the same, but... telling me she knows I'm smart doesn't mean anything when she doesn't let me feel smart.

I wasn't completely blameless in why things got so bad, but... I really... I couldn't talk to her about things. She'd just blame herself, and... then I'd have to comfort her about it.

[tigerpoet]

That isn't fair to you and your feelings.

[He squeezes Ranpo a little tighter.]

I'm sorry you went through all that. I'm here for you.

[sweetsleuth]

[He clings tighter in turn, sniffling again.]

Thank you.

[...]

There's... one other thing. Something that... I couldn't talk to her about. That no one else knows about, but-- I think I need to talk about it.

About what... really happened to me in December.

[It's something he's only ever told Atsushi in pieces. Things he's alluded to, particularly during their last date night, but never actually outright said. And even of those pieces, Tiger probably still knows more about it.]

[tigerpoet]

[Just the mention of December has Atsushi a little tense - he doesn't know everything but he knows enough to know that this won't be good.]

...alright. I'm ready.

cw: sexual assault

[sweetsleuth]

[He opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a shuddering breath. It's hard to talk about, even now. Even more so than when he thought he was dead. At least that was a scenario that could conceivably exist in the scope of his world.]

[But everything about what happened that day feels too much like something that happened to someone else. Like it couldn't have possibly happened to him. The fact that he's come to see that day in a different light over time certainly doesn't help.]

[But when he hears this story, suddenly Atsushi might understand why Ranpo's always made an effort to avoid riding the train.]

It was... earlier in the month. During cordis. Before the bar fight, and... everything that happened after.

[The catalyst for his downward spiral, perhaps even more so than his fears of death.]

I... had some experiences before. On the train. They were all bad, but... somehow exciting? I don't know if I can explain it. I try not to think about things like that anymore.

But back then... I decided to try something more. And I got on a train when I was giving off pheromones and... I-I...

[He takes a deep breath, tears dripping down his face.]

I had sex with a stranger. I didn't even see his face, but... I think I tried... to stop? But he was so much bigger than me, and... I don't really know what I wanted that day.

[tigerpoet]

[Atsushi reaches for Ranpo's hand to squeeze it. He can't imagine how difficult talking about this must be, much less how horrible going through it would have been.]

I'm so sorry. No matter what led to that, you didn't deserve something as awful as that happening to you. No one does.

[sweetsleuth]

[Ranpo squeezes Atsushi's hand in turn, clinging almost desperately, like a lifeline. He doesn't know what would have happened if he told Atsushi about all of this back then. Maybe things would have been easier in the long run. Or maybe nothing would have changed at all.]

That's... that's the most anyone else knows. The only other person I told was Atsushi. But... that... wasn't all of it.

[Because Inaba was relevant to all of this. Obviously-- or why else would it have been so important to talk to her about it, when he hadn't told anyone else?]

When it was... h-happening... I looked up and...

Himeko was there. She was watching the whole time.

[tigerpoet]

[What-

The words Ranpo is saying don't make sense.]

And she... didn't try to do anything?

[sweetsleuth]

...no. She just watched.

[This part is hard to talk about for so many reasons, but he holds a hand up -- letting Atsushi know he's not done, even as he fights to get the words out quickly. On one hand, maybe he's just making excuses for her. But at the same time, he just can't bring himself to blame her for it. Not all of it, at least. Even if it definitely colors his impression of her.]

I don't hold it against her. That man was... he was big. I don't think either of us could have done anything without starting a scene.

But... I know it wasn't because she was scared. Because we... did talk about it, a little later. I still didn't know how I felt about it, so... I just let her think it was consensual. Because I know she enjoyed it, and... I know she'd never forgive herself if she knew what really happened.

But even if it was... we got off on the same stop, and... she didn't even look at me. Or ask if I was okay, or... or...

[He brings a hand to his face, taking a deep breath to try and keep calm. He doesn't want to talk about this twice.]

[tigerpoet]

[It's good that he went on, because Atsushi was about to absolutely hold it against her. Even with the explanation...]

...it wasn't before you knew each other, was it? Because I can understand it being hard to approach a stranger, but if she knew you already, she should have-

I don't know how she could not say something.

[sweetsleuth]

[Honestly? Right now, it almost be a relief if he did. So maybe Ranpo wouldn't feel guilty for feeling the same.]

We were already friends. She was one of the first people I met here.

[As much as he can understand why she didn't interrupt, even he doesn't know why she chose to run away afterward, when he must have looked shaken up. Shame, maybe? Considering how well he knows her, that seems most likely.]

I couldn't talk to her about that, and... so many other things spiraled because of it. After a while, I didn't really talk about things that were bothering me. When I tried again, and told her about what happened back home... she was less than supportive. So I stopped all together.

[tigerpoet]

...that's not a healthy way to have a relationship.

[This breakup was inevitable, even if that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.]

I'm sorry. You deserve to have your feelings and problems listened to, Ranpio.

[sweetsleuth]

[He sniffles again, and nods. These are all things he knew, conclusions he himself came to-- but it was a relief to hear that someone else thought the same.]

You're right. I already knew that, but...

[A sniffle turns into sob, and soon he's leaning back into Atsushi's arms, clinging to him.]

[He'll be okay. The pain will pass. And he's not alone. He has people who love him, who make him feel loved.]

I love you.

[tigerpoet]

I love you too. So, so much.

[He presses a soft kiss to Ranpo's forehead.]

What do you want for dinner tonight? I'll cook you all of your favorites.

[sweetsleuth]

...can we have breakfast for dinner?

[He wants an excuse for chocolate chip pancakes.]

[tigerpoet]

Of course we can. Chocolate chip pancakes?

[sweetsleuth]

With syrup and strapple-berries?

[#justalienfruitthings]

[tigerpoet]

With anything you want.

[sweetsleuth]

........can I have a scoop of ice cream on it?

[HE SAID ANYTHING]

[tigerpoet]

Of course.

[did he stutter]

[sweetsleuth]

[Be gentle, he's baby]

[But he finally smiles at that, wiping his face on his sleeve. It's not very bright, but it's an improvement.]

...can we move to the couch and cuddle for a little while first?

[tigerpoet]

[There's nothing Atsushi wouldn't do to make Ranpo smile again.]

Always.

[He carefully scoops Ranpo up to carry him to the couch - he knows how much Ranpo likes being carried, and he deserves to be spoiled right now.]

[sweetsleuth]

[He hates how he can't help but compare his relationship with Atsushi to his relationship with Inaba right now. Usually it wasn't something he made a habit of doing. His relationships existed independently of one another. He didn't rank them or compare them in any way, just as he wouldn't do so with friendships.]

[But going from a fight with Inaba to being comforted and cared for by Atsushi really drives home just how much happier he is with him. Even ignoring the obvious glaring issues that make their relationship so toxic, at the end of the day, what Ranpo really wants is someone who can take care of him. Especially when he isn't in a position to do so himself. And he just couldn't have that with Inaba.]

[He curls up in Atsushi's arms instinctually upon being lifted, staying in his lap even once they reach the couch. If he could just spend the rest of the evening in Atsushi's arms, he'd be satisfied.]

[But once they're sitting down, there is one thing he knows he need to address.]

...Tiger, can I talk to you for a bit, too?

[tigerpoet]

I'm here.

[Tiger strokes Ranpo's hair gently. He's just as upset by Ranpo's distress as Atsushi is.]

You don't have to tell me not to pick a fight with her. I'm angry, but I know it wouldn't make you happy.

[sweetsleuth]

[As if he doesn't even hear what Tiger said, he leans forward -- and buries his face into the crook of Tiger's neck.]

...I'm sorry I didn't tell you the full story before.