[...Its incredibly soothing. Steinbeck listens, drumming his fingers on his chest and smiling at times at turns of phrases and the little inclinations in his tone of voice. He even closes his eyes at times, like he's going to sleep, but he's listening all the same, replying with little "hms" at times to keep Atsushi going.]
[It also allows him to think a little. Is he in love with Atsushi? It's obvious he cares about the man, he's fond of him, but is the way he feels about him the same way he feels about Lovecraft? Not really. But its far more than just how he cares about, say, a close friend. God, they've had sex multiple times even outside of moon cycles because he just wanted to, because it was Atsushi, that isn't something you do with a friend.]
[When Atsushi seems like he's reached a stopping point, Steinbeck opens his eyes, looking over at the other man as he speaks, quietly:]
[If John fell asleep, that would be fine with Atsushi as long as he got some decent rest. He'd make sure to get a blanket to cover him, and he'd be there when he woke up.]
Anything.
[He said John could talk to him about anything that was bothering him, and he meant it.]
[Why does it hurt just to say that? He opens his eyes again, glances upwards.]
I don't know, like, I love him. I do. But doing stuff like this feels wrong. I was taught that you can't just cheat on people you love, and...
[It hurts. It really hurts so much.]
I don't know. It's not like I'm not happy right now, and it's not like I didn't mean it when I said what I said earlier, but it just...feels like a mess.
...I have casual things with a lot of people. Even when it's someone who has mutual feelings with me, I can't offer a commitment - I'm a dead man, after all, I don't have a life to live with someone.
[There's no white picket fence in his future.]
I always think you should be honest with your partner, but... I can't ask you to tell him, but I don't want to do anything behind anyone's back.
You shouldn't say that. You're not dead. Not to them. Not to me.
[And there it is. He nods, understanding, though it feels like a needle's been slipped through his heart. Atsushi is right. He can't keep going behind his partner's back. He can't keep doing this.]
...Yeah. [He's lucky that his hand is over his eyes, because he already feels them getting wet with tears.] Yeah...that's...t-that's right. I don't want to put you into that kind of situation...I don't...
[He can tell John's tearing up just by the sound of his voice, and everything in him wants to hug John and never let him go, but - no. Not now. He'll just make things worse.]
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[It also allows him to think a little. Is he in love with Atsushi? It's obvious he cares about the man, he's fond of him, but is the way he feels about him the same way he feels about Lovecraft? Not really. But its far more than just how he cares about, say, a close friend. God, they've had sex multiple times even outside of moon cycles because he just wanted to, because it was Atsushi, that isn't something you do with a friend.]
[When Atsushi seems like he's reached a stopping point, Steinbeck opens his eyes, looking over at the other man as he speaks, quietly:]
Hey, Atsushi. Can I ask you something?
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Anything.
[He said John could talk to him about anything that was bothering him, and he meant it.]
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[He feels he already knows the answer to the next question.]
Did you mean it?
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[Even if it had been spur of the moment, and he hadn't thought too hard about saying it-]
I wouldn't joke about something like that.
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[He closes his eyes for a moment.]
I have a boyfriend.
[Why does it hurt just to say that? He opens his eyes again, glances upwards.]
I don't know, like, I love him. I do. But doing stuff like this feels wrong. I was taught that you can't just cheat on people you love, and...
[It hurts. It really hurts so much.]
I don't know. It's not like I'm not happy right now, and it's not like I didn't mean it when I said what I said earlier, but it just...feels like a mess.
[A shuddering exhale.]
I'm sorry. I-I really don't know what to say.
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...Have you told him? That you're also...
[Sleeping with other people. It's not like telling John he loves him is his worst offense.]
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Not yet. [A beat.] I don't know if he would mind, like, he's not your typical guy, but...
[A sigh.]
I don't want to lose him. I just got him back...
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...I have casual things with a lot of people. Even when it's someone who has mutual feelings with me, I can't offer a commitment - I'm a dead man, after all, I don't have a life to live with someone.
[There's no white picket fence in his future.]
I always think you should be honest with your partner, but... I can't ask you to tell him, but I don't want to do anything behind anyone's back.
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[And there it is. He nods, understanding, though it feels like a needle's been slipped through his heart. Atsushi is right. He can't keep going behind his partner's back. He can't keep doing this.]
...Yeah. [He's lucky that his hand is over his eyes, because he already feels them getting wet with tears.] Yeah...that's...t-that's right. I don't want to put you into that kind of situation...I don't...
[...He loves Atsushi too much for that.]
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...It's Lovecraft, isn't it?
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Yeah.
[Officially his boyfriend.]
I'm guessing you've met?
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[Atsushi sounds vaguely fond, because he is.]
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[He can't help but fondly laugh at that. His heart is hurting but...that's Lovecraft. That's 100% Lovecraft.]
That's him, alright. He really wants to get it perfect.
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[Not even a tiny bit sorry about that part, especially if bringing it up now can distract John a little from his heartbreak.]
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[Another laugh from him, bubbling to the surface.]
I know people find him creepy...but he isn't like that at all. I'm glad you don't think the same.
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He's not creepy at all. Even before I knew he was your friend I wasn't afraid of him.
[Atsushi, admittedly, has a huge weakness for people who put effort into making kids happy.]